As anyone reading this as a parent will know, raising little gremlins comes with many ups, downs, twists and turns. Hopefully, the good outweighs the bad, but there will always be moments where the ‘bad’ can feel almost insurmountable.
When I say bad, I don’t necessarily mean unrelenting tantrums, bad behaviour or that sort of thing. It can arrive in the shape of your little one refusing mom or dad at bedtime consistently, disturbances seemingly for no reason through the night, or other developmental bumps that can differ from child to child.My most recent experience of this has been with Pip. For weeks, he had begun a ritual of screaming ceaselessly at bedtime seemingly without reason. E.M would be putting Gilbert to bed post bath, and I would be responsible for feeding, winding and soothing Pip. Nothing I tried worked, no amount of winding, staggered feeds, walking around with Pip hoisted on my shoulder like a sack of spuds, distractions or otherwise would bring to an end the relentless wailing.
Walking in circles
This eventually led to me dealing with a pretty all consuming crisis of confidence, and at times simply feeling like I needed to shut down immediately post screaming session. I hated it, because I couldn’t understand the reasons behind why Pip would be so upset, and as a dad I couldn’t fix it for him.
He would usually settle down quickly when mum came into the room, which only worsened my confidence. I became quite frustrated at points during these times, and found myself struggling to keep a level head. I would often simply put Pip down on the bed (safely!) and feel the need to leave, be that leaving the room, going downstairs or going out in the car. And it led to me feeling resentful towards Pip, even though I knew deep down that it wasn’t personal and he couldn’t help it being all of two-three months old.
Reaching out for help
I eventually sought out some help in the form of EMDR therapy. Only knowing about this from my wife, who is very switched on and knowledgeable r.e. mental health and different forms of therapy, I reached out to a local expert after plenty of nudging from E.M. and began sessions fairly quickly after. The aim of EMDR is to identify different experiences throughout your life that cause emotional/physical responses, and to target these through auditory and physical stimuli such as beeps, taps, etc. identifying where your physical responses to these memories reside, and coming up with a method to ‘flush’ the negative feelings using imaginative exercises.
Seeking help doesn’t come naturally to me. Whether that’s the man part of me, or the stubborn arse dealing with it by myself bloody mindedness I often exhibit often to my detriment, it’s safe to say that taking the leap into therapy having never even considered something like this before was difficult.
In my case, during the last session of my therapy, the method that I used to flush these negative feelings was simply to exhale them. I don’t feel like my description of EMDR truly does the treatment justice, but suffice to say that post therapy I feel like I’m in a much better place not just in dealing with the ups and downs of parenthood, but in managing work related stressors and personal issues.
A desired outcome
I would advise anyone looking into EMDR as a potential route to go down for therapy that you enter it with an open mind and a willingness to engage with the practitioner. It may not work for everyone, but for myself, and my wife who has also engaged with the process, it has made a considerable difference to our lives and has made me feel like I’m much further along the path to being the father I need to and want to be for my boys.
And to boot, I feel like my already strong connection with both Gilbert and Pip has only improved in all aspects… be that cuddles, tantrums, and everything in between.
